Hyrule's Hero
by Spiritual Magic
Summary: There's a new Knight in town stealing all of Link's glory, and some other stuff! Zelda is so blinded by her love that she can't see the truth: her new boyfriend is a lying no good piece of slime! READ, or else Gannon will come and get you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda or any of the characters from the game or animated series. It owns me.**

**Prince Façade was a character on an episode of the cartoon, which was on in the 80s with the Super Mario Brothers Super Show.**

From the moment he received the invitation, Link knew that attending this party would be a bad idea. He just got that gut feeling that he should stay home. And yet now here he was- in the corner by himself, holding a beer while Zelda and Prince Façade flirted on the dance floor.

His grip tightened around the already squished cup. "I hate that guy," he thought. "He just prances into Hyrule like he owns the place. He thinks he's the prince of the world just because he can play the Ocarina and has a big sword. Heh, well, maybe the size of that sword is compensating for something else."

Link looked at his brown and green common-person clothes and his elf hat, thinking that he looked rather shabby in comparison. In reality, he looked incredibly hot, but he didn't realize that and Zelda didn't, either. Zelda seemed to look through him all the time, anyway, just ordering him around and acting snappy and moody whenever they were together. And he was always rescuing her from Gannon! She could show a little appreciation, at the very least.

From across the floor, Zelda caught Link's eye but didn't say anything. Actually, she pretended not to see him. Façade was all over her now, and she appeared to be enjoying every minute of it. Her hair fell in waves around her shoulders as she giggled at whatever the prince was saying. Probably a bad joke or some made up story of an adventure that never really took place.

True, Zelda was a princess, and Link was just hired help around the farm, but he loved her nevertheless; he just couldn't help it. The prince had arrived yesterday out of the blue and rescued Zelda from an octorock-a task Link himself had been in the middle of undertaking when Facade so infuriatingly interrupted-and had given the Princess a ride home on his horse that "only had room for two. You understand I'm sure, Link."

Understood? _Sure_ he did! Like hell he understood! To make matters worse, Façade had snatched the rupee that had come from the octorock just as Link was reaching for it. "Sorry old chap," he smirked. "But this is mine, isn't it? I killed the thing, right?"

"I'm sure you'll be able to find a ride, right, Link?" Zelda asked, pretending to be less concerned than she really was.

"Oh yeah, sure," said Link. "I'll just get a ride back with another Octorock." Facade either ignored his sarcasm or was too dumb to get it.

Zelda only laughed as they galloped off into the sunset, leaving Link lying on the ground like an idiot, probably bleeding internally from the battle.

"Yeah, I'll uh…meet you back at the castle!" he called to Zelda, trying to sound cool and tough. Of course, anybody could see right through his lame act. It wasn't Link that was the problem, though. It was HIM!

And how could Zelda allow herself to fall so easily for this clown, anyway? Didn't she even know what "façade" meant?

Link leaned back against the wall, staring into the drink. He wondered why Gannon would have a party in the first place; much less invite the three of them. He hated Link's guts, and as for Zelda…well, he was always trying to kidnap her or take the Triforce. Something was suspicious about this. And Link was growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

"Something's fishy about this party," Prince Façade observed, raising an eyebrow. His blue eyes glittered. "Perhaps we should go somewhere and…be alone."

"But how can we be alone if we're together?" asked Zelda.

"You know what I mean," the Prince retorted with a roll of his eyes.

"Well…okay, but maybe we should tell Link where we're going, hmm?" she said.

"No!" Façade snapped, a little too quickly. Zelda felt of wave of guilt sweep over her. After all, she hadn't danced with Link even once the entire night. But she brushed the thought aside. Oh well. He would survive.

_She's only interested in him because he's the new guy, _Link tried to reassure himself. _She'll get over it after awhile. _Even though he and Zelda had hooked up on occasion, she had never looked at him in the way she was now gazing at the Prince. Her eyes were large and full of admiration. Maybe even love.

"You should give up on that chick," a high-pitched, squeaky little voice said in his ear. Link whirled around to face the tiny fairy that was fluttering beside him.

"Sprite!" he scowled. "Quit spying on me!" To show her he meant business, he whipped out the fly swatter he always carried.

Sprite darted away from him. "Oh gosh," she said. "You must be in one of your crabby moods today."

"Today?" laughed a woman's voice behind them. It was Zelda. Façade was at her side, smirking. _I hate that guy, _thought Link.

Link was so frustrated! He hated being embarrassed, especially by Zelda or in front of Zelda or with anything at all having to do with Zelda!

"Feeling all right, Link?" the Prince asked, purposefully patronizing him.

"I was until you got here," Link shot back.

Prince Façade sighed as if he was clearly the more mature person and Link simply had some social disease that was better left unacknowledged.

"This party is lame, so we're gonna bounce," Zelda told link.

"Fine," said Link.

"I sure hope you aren't too hurt after that octorock kicked the crap out of you yesterday," he finally said.

"Hey!" said Link. "Do I look hurt? I wasn't hurt!"

Except that he'd drunk three bottles of life potion afterwards.

"Oh Link," said Zelda, shaking her head. "I'll see you back at the castle later."

Neither he nor Zelda felt Gannon's eyeballs watching them. Link's sense of dread was growing, and he wanted to leave as well. "How about I just go with you guys," he suggested, knowing it would screw up the Prince's plans and annoy him. Façade and Zelda exchanged a nervous glance.

"Okay," said Zelda. "I've got a feeling something isn't right about this party, anyways."

"What isn't right about it is that he's here," Link accused, pointing at Prince Façade.

"Link! You're really being a jerk, you know that?" said Zelda.

"I'm sure that's not unusual for him," the prince said condescendingly. "It's all right. We can all go."

As they walked out the door, Gannon continued watching them.

"Just wait," he cackled. "My latest evil plan to mess up your lives is yet to be revealed…"


	2. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

A few days passed, and Link realized that the relationship between Zelda and Prince Façade was no joke. He hung around the castle, anyway, doing his chores; then one day he came inside to hear them arguing.

He scurried behind the door so that they wouldn't see or hear him, and then he leaned in closer to listen to every word they were saying. Whatever it was, could it be grounds for a breakup? He'd seen people get divorced in a fight over the remote, for crying out loud! If anything this seemed far worse. They were arguing about the _Triforce_.

"I swear I haven't seen it," Façade was saying.

"It was right here," said Zelda. Normally, reddish blonde hair like Zelda's wouldn't go well with a pink dress like the one she had on; yet Link noticed that even the bad color combination did little to make the Princess's complexion look bad. "I'm not accusing you, but who could have taken it?"

"It would have to be somebody who gets up pretty early," the Prince said. "I mean, like, earlier than five in the morning if you just noticed it missing at breakfast."

"Five o clock in the morning? Who would get up that early?" Zelda asked.

"Beats me," said the Prince. "Certainly I wouldn't. I didn't even know there was such a _thing_ as five o clock in the morning."

"I believe you," whispered Zelda, in a strange, passionate voice Link hadn't heard her use before. "You're a handsome prince with expensive clothes. You certainly couldn't do anything wrong."

_Oh, no, no_, Link thought with a sneer. _Of course not. How could such a good looking guy who dresses in white EVER be a no good lying cheating thief? It just isn't possible._

Link decided that now would be a good time to make his entrance. He sauntered in as if he had just woken up. "Oh, good morning, everyone," he said, pretending to yawn and stretch. "It's a great day to gaze upon the splendor of the-oh my God! Where's the Triforce?"

"I'll wager your mom has it," muttered the Prince.

"Oh yeah? And just how do you know? You seen her lately?" Link shot back.

"Yeah, and she was great!" the Prince snarled.

Link was angrier than ever. "Why you---I'll kill you!" He pushed Prince Facade to the floor and the two fought each other. Zelda looked on, pretending to be worried, but actually finding it extremely attractive and enjoying every second of it. Link was able to grab his sword first, and he used to it hack off a huge chunk of the Prince's blond hair.

"I can't believe you DID that!" said Prince Façade. "That was my hair you ugly slime spewing diseased weasel turd!"

Link leapt to his feet. "Uh huh. I know," he observed. "And next time, it won't be your hair, so you better be careful what you…"

"Stop it, Link!" screamed Zelda. She went over to Prince Façade and kissed him full on the lips. A long, romantic kiss. Link felt his heart break and hot blood rush to his face all at the same time. Zelda never kissed _him_ like that. Zelda never kissed him at all!

"Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess!" he spat.

"I've got good news," said the Prince. "My rich relative died and I inherited a billion dollars. Now I'm even richer."

"Oh that's wonderful," said Zelda, hugging him.

"That's stupid," quipped Link. "Who in his or her right mind would be related to _you_?"

"Ha ha!" said the Prince. "Stop trying to make fun of me, Link. You know you're just jealous of my bodacious body."

"You know you are," agreed Zelda.

"Well I'm certainly not jealous of your girlfriend," Link said, and stalked off, leaving Zelda with a jaw so wide open you could have parked an octorock in it.

On his way up the stairs Sprite appeared, fluttering beside him.

"Oh Link," she sang. "Now that you have no chance with Zelda, how about…"

"Sprite, forget it!" said Link. "I'm in kind of an insanely annoyed and angrymood right now, just a little bit. So I'll see you later."

"Naked?" she asked hopefully.

"No!" snapped Link. He didn't mean to slam the door in her face…but he did anyway. On his bed, there was a note. He opened it. It read:

Dear Link,

Remember that time I threw a bomb into your room and it exploded?  
Love,

Fredrick

"No," Link said out loud. Suddenly, a bomb flew through the window and landed on the floor. And it exploded.

"Aaahhh!" he cried, jumping back. A moblin climbed through the window. "Hey!" Link raged. "Your name isn't Fredrick!"

"Well, duh, I couldn't reveal my true identity, now could I?" asked the moblin.

"What did you go and do that for?" Link demanded. "Are you asking for trouble?"

The moblin trembled. "Gannon made me do it!" he admitted, backing up. "Gannon makes me do all kinds of stuff I don't want to do!"

"Like what?" Link was curious.

The moblin pouted. "Like eat dog food and scare old ladies and pull down people's pants and push little kids off the swings." He looked remorseful.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Okay," he said. Then he went over to the mirror to make sure he looked all right. He took a comb and raked it through his beautiful brown hair. His dark eyes shimmered. Why did Zelda have to like fancy guys who dressed like scoundrels in disguise? Façade reminded him of a sleazy businessman in a white suit, smiling slyly as he held a glass of champagne.

Link's own clothes were, well…more like farm boy clothes. But he liked the brown and green earth colors and the hat. It made him look rugged, like a real man.Appearance wasn't everything; still,Façade would have a tantrum if a drop of ketchup dripped on his perfectly white shirt. What's more,Link couldn't figure out what Zelda would want with a guy who wasn't even from Hyrule. You could tell that just by looking at his ears- they weren't pointed like Link's and Zelda's.

While Link was busy with his thoughts, which were about as pointless as the Prince's ears, the moblin saw his chance and slipped out. Link whirled around when he heard the door slam, but it was too late. He wondered if it would be considered wrong if he spied on the Prince, or,say, went through his stuff to see if he really had taken the Triforce. Well, it couldn't be considered anything if no one caught him, he reasoned. His face grew red with rage as he pictured the Triforce in the Prince's underwear drawer buried underneath a bunch of dirty, smut magazines.

But he was jumping to conclusions.

The only thing to do would be to find out…


	3. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

The phone inthe room rang, and Link rushed to pick it up. "Hello?" he panted, still stressed from the random attack.

"It's Zelda. Link, come downstairs. I need to talk to you."

"No way," said Link. "From now on, I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."

"Please," she begged. "This is important. Façade isn't even here; he went to the spa to get his face frozen by Botox. Oh, and to get a haircut-thanks a lot by the way!"

"Well excuuuuuse me, Princess," said Link.

"Link, it's like, your fault, and you know it," she scoffed.

Link ignored her. " Botox," he snickered. "I can't _believe_ he…no, wait, yes I can. Seriously, Princess, how could you be interested in a guy like that? Are you blind?"

"Are you saying I should be interested in _you_?" she countered. He could detect the stubbornness in her voice, but he wasn't up to dealing with it.

"I'll be right down," he told her. He hung up and went downstairs to find Zelda waiting at the bottom.

The feeling that you love someone who will never love you back, or at least not in the way you want them to, is like a knife that's being stabbed repeatedly into your heart. You can't run from it-you can only run from the person. However, with time, the pain begins to ease, until, slowly, it fades away forever.

This wasn't the case for Link, however. He was the Hero of Time; he could live through all eternity and fight to save the Princess from whatever monsters Gannon might cook up,and no matter what, he would always have to see her face. He would always have to feel his love for her burning in the depths of his heart. And she would love someone else.

"Link…I really think you should apologize," Zelda said stiffly.

"Is this what you called me down for?" Link said, disgusted. "You want me to admit something that's not true? You want me to pretend _I_ was wrong? Is that really how you think it is?"

Zelda looked at the floor.

"You know, ever since I've come here you've bossed me around," Link continued, his anger rising. "Maybe all I am is a servant to you, though Heaven knows I've wanted to be more. If that's true, then you can have everything else, but I'm not giving up my dignity. Especially not for some Prissy Prince who prances…"

"Link," Zelda interrupted. "You're spitting on me."

"Oh," he said, _wiping_ his mouth with his sleeve. "Sorry. But you get what I'm saying, right?"

"So, what _are_ you saying?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

The muscles in his face tightened with frustration. "I'm saying that…you can have him, but don't expect me to have anything to do with you! I'm leaving! Just leaving!" he scowled.

"Where will you go?" she asked. "You need this job."

"I didn't need this job," he said in a quiet voice. "I needed you. Good luck with Prince Fancypants rescuing you from Gannon. Once he gets his shirt dirty he'll run screaming for his mommy."

"So, I guess this means you're not going to apologize?" she asked in an infuriating display of indifference.

"Princess, for the love of Aquamentus! No, I'm not going to apologize! Because I'm not sorry I did it! I'm glad I did it! In fact, I wish I'd done _more_ to him! GOOD BYE Princess!" Link spun around and stormed out the door.

Then he walked back in because it was the basement door.

"Like I said," he declared. "After I pack I'm leaving!"

"Well maybe being up there packing will give you some time to cool down," Zelda retorted. Secretly, of course, she wanted him to stay. There was something about him she liked, even if it wasn't entirely enough to have her head over heels in love. It was too bad there couldn't be a guy with Prince Façade's charm and royal status mixed in with Link's dark good looks and adventurous spirit.

But, alas, there wasn't. Such a man did not exist.

Zelda was wearing a stunning nightgown of dark blue, which accentuated her sapphire eyes. Her face reddened as she watched Link stomp up the stairs. Instead of chasing after him, she went over to the mantle where her mother's jewelry box was kept to look for her diamond earrings. When she opened the wooden box, she gasped and her eyes went wide with shock and fear.

"Link!" she cried. "Link, wait!"

Link bolted down the stairs. It was a reflex, responding instantly to any cry for help from the Princess. "What is it? What?" he demanded.

Zelda's complexion had turned a pasty white. "All of my jewelry," she said, "…it's…it's GONE!"


	4. Chapter 5

* * *

Link and Zelda just stared at each other, for about...an hour. When that got boring, Link started to think (finally). Zelda knew he was thinking because she could smell something burning. 

"I don't believe you," he finally said. "You're trying to trick me."

"No, I'm not!" insisted Zelda. "Why would I hide my own jewelry just to make you think Prince Facade did it so that you guys would fight? I mean..."

"I'm hungry," said Link.

"Oh," Zelda said with a sigh. "This is so NOT awesome." She floated over to the fireplace, staring mournfully into the flames.

"Let's get a pizza," said Link. "Let's get a pepperoni pizza! We can worry about your jewerly later."

"And my makeup is gone, too," said Zelda.

"I think I saw the prince putting on some of your makeup the other day," said Link. "You know, when he was getting ready for that drag queen show."

Zelda gave him the finger.

Link shrugged.

"It's my expensive Chanel makeup!" flared Zelda.

"Hey!" said Link. "I'm a guy! And you expect me to care as deeply as you women do about gunk you put on your face?"

Zelda rolled her eyes.

"Excuse me," said Link. "I'm going to the restroom."

"Okay," said Zelda. "I'll call and order the pizza."

Link strolled down the hall, whistling, and kicked open the door to the men's room. And who should he find inside but, you guessed it...Prince Facade.

"Oh hey," said Link. Facade wasn't taking a leak or anything; he was looking in the mirror.

"Hey, how's it going?" said Facade. Normally, the two of them might have had a few more choice words to say to each other, but hey, this was the _bathroom_. They had to be cool.

"So what's up?" said Link. There was an awkward silence.

"Uh...nothin' much," said the Prince. Link knew what was coming.

"Hey listen man," said Facade. "I have to take a crap...and I feel uncomfortable about taking it with you in here. Would you mind...um...perhaps leaving?"

"Hey, sure, no prob," said Link, heading for the door. "Later dude."

When he got back to the living room, Zelda was just hanging up the phone. "Hey Link," she said. "How was the bathroom?"

"Oh, you know, it was okay," Link said, trying to sound casual. "Facade dropped a horrible turd in there and now the place smells like a three-week-old corpse. But, you know, other than that, not much."

A few minutes later, the pizza arrived. Link and Zelda ate half, then decided to go for a walk and left the rest on the table.

"I think we should talk," Zelda suggested as they walked out the door. "And try and work things out."

Link shrugged. "Whatever."

A few minutes after their departure, Facade emerged from the bathroom and saw the pizza. Smirking, he thought of a plan. A plan so evil, even Gannon might not be capable of it. He went outside and scooped up a handful of red ants, cackling like a lunatic the whole way back in. He went over to the table and sprinkled the ants on the pizza, then kicked the box onto the red rug, knocking it upside down. The pizza. Not the rug.

Meanwhile, on their walk, Link and Zelda were discussing their relationship.

"I never knew you had feelings for me," said Zelda.

"Bullshit," said Link.

"Yeah, you're right," said Zelda. "I knew. I mean, how could I not? You make it so obvious. I just pretended not to be aware of it, hoping that would make you realize I didn't like you back."

"You have horrible taste in men," said Link. "Facade isn't even a man. He's like...a woman or something."

Obviously, the talk wasn't very productive, and Link and Zelda headed back. As soon as they entered the house, Link saw the pizza on the floor and remembered he was hungry. He picked up the box and grabbed a slice. Seeing the ants, Zelda said, "Uh...Link? What's on the pizza?"

Link examined it. "It's just peices of the rug," he said, and stuffed the pizza in his mouth. Zelda cringed. Link suddenly felt a burning sensation, which steadily grew worse, until he felt like something was biting his tongue.

"Oh my god!" he cried, spitting out the pizza. "What the..."

"It's ANTS!" said Zelda. "Holy shit!"

"This has to be the work of Gannon!" said Link, trying to scrape the ants off his tongue. "Come on. Let's clean this whole house and find whatever other tricks are hiding here before something else happens!"

So, they did. When they finally got to Facade's room, Zelda found a bag of dope under the Prince's pillow. Laughing, she and Link smoked it, then continued cleaning.

"This is for being an ass," laughed Link, as he smoked all the prince's weed.

Zelda sat down on the chair, then let out a yelp and jumped up as something sharp poked her in the butt. "Oh..." she said, lifting up the pillow. "It's my jewelry!" Link's eyes widened.

"Oh yeah," he said. "That is! What's it doing in the prince's room?"

Zelda's eyes grew dark, and she looked away. "It doesn't prove anything," she said softly.

"Hell yes, it does!" said Link.

Tears poured from Zelda's eyes. "It couldn't be..." she said, sniffling. "He couldn't have stolen my stuff!"

Before Link had a chance to answer, they heard footsteps rushing down the hall. The door was thrown open and a rough voice behind them said, "What are you doing in my room?"


End file.
